So, my Freshman year of college was pretty incredible. I made some amazing relationships, lived independently really well for the most part, and kept up in school quite well. However, during about the last two months, I ended up relapsing into my Bulimia in a horrible way. Basically all I did was buy food, sneak it into my apartment, and throw it up into dozens and dozens of trash bags that covered my floor.
I had been recovered for nearly two years as a basically raw-food Vegan. I'm not exactly sure what made me want to slip back into the Bulimia trap, but I do know that I want to be recovered again, because this is no way to live.
I moved back home for the summer, and was planning on just recovering on my own, while re-stocking the savings I depleted the last few months; But without telling someone, I still felt horrible, and couldn't control it as well as I'd planned. After passing out a few times at my new job as a 24 hour Caregiver, I decided to come clean.
I sent my dad a text explaining my relapse and how it's out of control again. The humiliation and shame I felt when doing this almost as bad as sitting in my car stuffing my face full of the cheapest foods I can get my hands on before jetting into the nearest convenient store to purge it all up.
A year ago, I was the healthiest person I knew-- body and mind. I had just gotten a full-ride scholarship to a University in a warm, vacation-like place. I'd been the healthiest eater I knew for over a year, and I had my parents trust. The first months of college were the absolute best of my life; I was eating normally, working out all the time with my best friend and roommate, and I was ahead in all my classes first semester-- all while having a kick-ass social life.
These last few months I've felt ashamed, dirty, selfish, and disgusting. I thought I could just pretend none of it happened and start over again, until I nearly imploded this morning.
Realizing you still have a problem is one thing-- telling someone close to you and holding yourself accountable-- actually acknowledging that you're doing the wrong thing is the noble thing to do. I did better and better on my own, but I didn't stay recovered.
As ashamed as I am to admit my relapse, I'm more than determined to recover and regain my life again. I need to get back into gratitude, and Gala Darling's Radical Self Love, and most of all honesty. I personally can't feel whole or even okay if at least one person doesn't know about a secret. Integrity is something I need to work on quite a bit-- I have a tendency to think that if no one sees it, and it only effects me, than it doesn't matter. Although, it obviously does in the long run.
Anyone going through a similar situation-- the first step in recovery is wanting to change, and getting a support system that helps hold you accountable to making those changes.
So, first, grab your closest friends and family (for now, I chose my dad and best friend), and come clean-- then the trick is to stay clean. You do this by being transparent and having integrity-- whatever you say you're going to do, you do it. Stay impeccable with your word.
