Relapse

   So, my Freshman year of college was pretty incredible. I made some amazing relationships, lived independently really well for the most part, and kept up in school quite well. However, during about the last two months, I ended up relapsing into my Bulimia in a horrible way. Basically all I did was buy food, sneak it into my apartment, and throw it up into dozens and dozens of trash bags that covered my floor.
   I had been recovered for nearly two years as a basically raw-food Vegan. I'm not exactly sure what made me want to slip back into the Bulimia trap, but I do know that I want to be recovered again, because this is no way to live.
   I moved back home for the summer, and was planning on just recovering on my own, while re-stocking the savings I depleted the last few months;  But without telling someone, I still felt horrible, and couldn't control it as well as I'd planned. After passing out a few times at my new job as a 24 hour Caregiver, I decided to come clean.
    I sent my dad a text explaining my relapse and how it's out of control again. The humiliation and shame I felt when doing this almost as bad as sitting in my car stuffing my face full of the cheapest foods I can get my hands on before jetting into the nearest convenient store to purge it all up.
   A year ago, I was the healthiest person I knew-- body and mind. I had just gotten a full-ride scholarship to a University in a warm, vacation-like place. I'd been the healthiest eater I knew for over a year, and I had my parents trust. The first months of college were the absolute best of my life; I was eating normally, working out all the time with my best friend and roommate, and I was ahead in all my classes first semester-- all while having a kick-ass social life.
   These last few months I've felt ashamed, dirty, selfish, and disgusting. I thought I could just pretend none of it happened and start over again, until I nearly imploded this morning.
   Realizing you still have a problem is one thing-- telling someone close to you and holding yourself accountable-- actually acknowledging that you're doing the wrong thing is the noble thing to do. I did better and better on my own, but I didn't stay recovered.
   As ashamed as I am to admit my relapse, I'm more than determined to recover and regain my life again. I need to get back into gratitude, and Gala Darling's Radical Self Love, and most of all honesty. I personally can't feel whole or even okay if at least one person doesn't know about a secret. Integrity is something I need to work on quite a bit-- I have a tendency to think that if no one sees it, and it only effects me, than it doesn't matter. Although, it obviously does in the long run.
   Anyone going through a similar situation-- the first step in recovery is wanting to change, and getting a support system that helps hold you accountable to making those changes.
   So, first, grab your closest friends and family (for now, I chose my dad and best friend), and come clean-- then the trick is to stay clean. You do this by being transparent and having integrity-- whatever you say you're going to do, you do it. Stay impeccable with your word.

Top 10 reasons to stay recovered in College

   

   So, today I moved into my apartment complex 7 hours away from home. When I finally recovered from a 10-year battle with Bulimia Nervosa a little more than a year ago, it was greatly due to my parents. They've kept me in check these last 14 months, and today I had to say goodbye.  When they left, I was left alone to an empty apartment full of freshly bought groceries. 

   Why stay Bulimia-free on my own? Here are my top 10 reasons:

   1. MONEY-- Being a college Freshman means you probably need to save that binge money for some text books, tuition, and you know-- living.  Attempting to sustain a 10$ binge on a nightly basis is just not realistic. I literally can't AFFORD to be Bulimic (without taking up stripping, and dropping out of school). My average grocery trip costs about 150$ thanks to cleaning supplies, makeup, and extra little expenditures. Try to top that off with a few gallons of icecream to just throw back up for a two minute release of temporary anxiety? No thank you. 

   2. ROOMMATES-- You know how you will eat anything in sight, and justify it in a convoluted jumble in your head?  Your roommates don't care how you justify it-- they're poor too. You can't steal people's food. Your roommates will HATE you. Although, plugging up toilets, making the apartment smell like vomit, and being in the kitchen 24/7... they'll love you for that, let me tell you. 

   3. PEOPLE BACK HOME-- Even if you're moving away from anyone or anything familiar like I am, chances are that you still have people in your life that you'll still always have a relationship with. For example, my parents will always be a huge part of my life, and my recovery is no less important to them whether I'm 7 seconds away, or 7 hours. If you were to relapse, my guess is that your family wouldn't be any less devastated. 

   4. DATING-- I know, there's nothing like macking it with a babe who just violently vomited up the meal you just paid for, while she passes a shit-ton of gas due to severe indigestion (oh baby, is that blood in the back of your throat I taste?), but trust me on this one-- most guys would prefer to date a normal chick over one who upchucks everything she eats. This is a whole new ball game if you just moved away from home-- you have the chance to make whatever kind of impression you want on the new people you meet. Which would you rather be known for?

   5. ENERGY-- Excersizing, Socializing, walking, cleaning, studying, standing-- all of these things take energy to do. If you're attempting to run on empty, life is just harder. Bulimia depletes your energy. Use your head. 

   6. CHIPMUNK CHEEKS-- If you've had Bulimia, you know what I mean. You know though, I met a guy once who really dug the super deformed, wide, bloated- look that Bulimia gives your face. You know, some guys really like it. (Oh wait... no. No they don't). Give those glands a break, and your face will look better too. 

   7. FLUCTUATION-- This clearly doesn't really apply, because Bulimia obviously maintains your weight for you, and doesn't make you dehydrate one day and then retain a shit-ton of water the next, making you look like you just got stung by a bee everywhere. Nope. 

   8. AVOIDING THE FRESHMAN 15-- While most of the people you start school with will gain the standard 15 pounds, if you stick to a structured eating plan not only will your budget thank you, but so will your waistline. 

   9. CLEAR SKIN-- Again, clearly not applicable, because binging on sugar, oil, and fats paired with your body trying to get nutrients while you keep it guessing when it will get them or how long you'll keep them in your system for, vides for just a ROSY complexion. 

   10. SETTING AN EXAMPLE-- So, I have this Aunt who's severly Anorexic and Bulimic. Not only has she put my little cousins (her kids) in danger by nearly passing out while binging in the car-- but she's expecting a third child, which none of us are excited for. While we are notoriously a baby-crazed family, we're aware that the rate of a female child acquiring an eating disorder while being raised by a mother with one is very high. With the damage this has already done to our entire family (not to mention my uncle who's married to her), I can't imagine being another contributing factor to this kid's bleak future. As I grow up into an adult, I would like to be like my mother or my grandma: Strong, independent, loving women. Not this sad and resented being that has cast a shadow over my family. I want to be an example to my future kids, and not set them up for a statistic failure in life. 

   The habits you develop now, on your own, will set you up for the rest of your life. Even away from home, your actions have consequences; Remember that. You will always have a relationship that could be destroyed, a future child's health and family at stake, and being healthy is more important than feeding that temporary relief a binge may provide. 

   So, develop a routine, healthy habits, and continue your recovery while you kick start your life. Because what you do now will shape who you will become. Who do you want to be? 

   I know I want to be a fully functioning, healthy, loving person with many meaningful relationships. Giving up recovery now will make that impossible. Stay strong, and love yourself and your future enough to say no to Bulimia. You and your family will thank you later.

                                                                            -- Mikayla